HR wrote me up for “creating a dessert environment.” It was one candle.

Open office. I lit one Brownies & Ice Cream at my desk because the overhead lights are a hate crime and I wanted one nice thing. Within twenty minutes three people asked who brought brownies. Someone checked the kitchen. Someone checked Slack.

At 3:40 my manager wrote “please extinguish the dessert.” At 4:10 HR sent a note that I had “created a dessert environment inconsistent with a focused workplace.” I make spreadsheets. The spreadsheet did not get less focused. I did.

I stage houses. A dessert environment sells a house. Your HR department is leaving money on the table, and also, apparently, brownies.

first they take the dessert environment. then they take the figs. stay loud

Respectfully, dessert environments are how bake sales happen, and bake sales are how the spring musical happens. I would like HR’s address. I will be polite. I am always polite. That is why I am dangerous.

Tell Martin I’ll take the letter. Also someone left an actual brownie on my desk as a bit and I ate it before I realized it was a bit. It was from the place on Polk. It was fine. I am not fine. The brownie was the best part of the write-up.

hr is a joke. light two next time and call it a tasting menu

Update: HR filed the letter under “vendor correspondence,” so I am now a vendor, of vibes. They asked me to switch to Persimmon Porch. It smells like a porch. Nobody has asked about dessert. My spreadsheet is the same spreadsheet.

4 stars. One withheld for the brownie bit, which I ate, so the withholding is confused, like the rest of this.